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We're taking a four-week bicycle
trip through the vineyards of Italy!

7
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We figure that this summer,
our whole lives

8
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are gonna be turned upside-down

9
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when Haley, Dylan,
and their twins move in with us,

10
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so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon?

11
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So we've been hitting
the language tapes,

12
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the, uh... the stationary bikes,

13
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and a couple of times a day,
I wolfishly whistle at Claire

14
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to prepare her for that
timeless Roman charm.

15
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I can't believe after all
those nights at Fratelli's

16
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talking about going to Italy,

17
00:00:45,808 --> 00:00:47,074
it's actually happening.

18
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Ohh, American lady!

19
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Why do you do this to me?

20
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Don't make me practice
my slap on you again. Mm.

21
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What's that?

22
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Oh, I'm on hold. I'm booking us
into a converted castle in Tuscany

23
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- for our anniversary.
- Does it have a moat?

24
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I've been working on all
of our receipts for taxes.

25
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Looks like we're getting a refund,

26
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which means that we can afford to...

27
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To pay the dwarf who
will lower the drawbridge

28
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if we answer his riddles three?

29
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I'm gonna nip this in the bud. No moat.

30
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This trip was such a great idea.

31
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- Oh, I know.
- Ah. Mwah!

32
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- Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer.
- Mm-hmm.

33
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It's weird to think
people will be calling us

34
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- Grandpa and...
- No, please don't say it.

35
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Don't say that word.
It makes me feel so old.

36
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But I have thought about
what I want them to call me.

37
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- Gammy.
- Gammy.

38
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Well, let's take her for a spin.

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"Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!"

40
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"Sorry, guys, not today,
Gammy's in a mood."

41
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- Yeah, it does. It works.
- Mm. Yeah.

42
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- Hey, roomies.
- Hey... "Roomies"?

43
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What is with all the boxes and the bags?

44
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Well, I know we said we'd
move in when the babies come,

45
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but then we thought about
all the money we'd save.

46
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- Mucho dinero.
- Mm.

47
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- Yes.
- You look mad.

48
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I should've told you.
I was afraid to tell you.

49
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I didn't think that I could
handle the disappointment

50
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if you weren't happy about it.

51
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But you're not unhappy about it, right?

52
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- Right?!
- Oh, honey. Oh, honey.

53
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Oh, my gosh,
you're the best. I love you so much.

54
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Wow! What a journey.

55
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What is my life gonna be like
when I'm in the hormonal stage?

56
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Oh, wait,
there was one more thing, um...

57
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Hey,
where should I put these boxes?

58
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My mom surprised us. We were hoping
she could stay a couple days.

59
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Hello, hello!

60
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Well, it's about time we officially met,

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considering our DNA is already
swirling around in Haley's womb.

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Phil.

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- Oh, hey.
- Mwah.

64
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- Claire.
- Oh, hi.

65
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- I'm Farrah.
- Hi, Farrah.

66
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- You look so familiar.
- Well, I meet a lot of people

67
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with my work in the protest movement.

68
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Oh, did you participate in
the Ivory is Murder Fun Run?

69
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- Not that I recall.
- Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah

70
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- where she will be sleeping.
- Oh, no,

71
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I just need two weight-bearing
hooks spaced seven feet apart.

72
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This kimono converts to a hammock.

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Ah.

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- Pronto!
- Italy!

75
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- They answered! Where's the phone?
- Oh! Oh, no, no, no.

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- Where's the phone?
- I got it, right here.

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- You got it? Get it.
- Yeah. Oh!

78
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Oh! Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.

79
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- Let me get you some ice.
- Damn it!

80
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No, no, don't worry. I brought magnets.

81
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Is that the way she
treats all head injuries?

82
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Because I've got a theory.

83
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I want to give these old
toys to Haley's babies.

84
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Oh, Joe, that's so sweet!

85
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Now I have room in the
closet for my lizard.

86
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Lizard? I thought that you were
just going to the pet shop to look.

87
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I can't say no to that face.

88
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You're gonna have to be bad cop
'til puberty,

89
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you know,
when the Pritchett Adam's apple

90
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and fuzz-stache show up.

91
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Manny, you should also give
something for the twins.

92
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You both are gonna be uncles.

93
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That's a very proud
tradition in our family.

94
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That's right, Joe.
Our great-great Uncle Alvaro

95
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was a famous South
American freedom fighter.

96
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You're kidding? My Great Uncle
Erasmus was a hero at the Alamo.

97
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We're four sentences away from
realizing they killed each other, right?

98
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Joe, next week, you have to go
to school dressed as a hero.

99
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Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro?

100
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Or Uncle Erasmus.

101
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Ay, Jay, that's cute,

102
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but Alvaro was not only a war hero.

103
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He was a celebrated matador,

104
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Frida Kahlo's tango instructor,

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two-time winner of the Bogota
Herald cartoon caption contest.

106
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No disrespect,
but I don't think he was fit to shine

107
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Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots,

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which, incidentally,
were made by a 9-foot Texas diamondback

109
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he stomped to death while
arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.

110
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Did he kill all his clothes?

111
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He sure did. Come upstairs.
I'll show you.

112
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I got a ring of his with a tooth in it

113
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he punched out of a puma.

114
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Jay does this all the time.

115
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He disrespects our heritage
and inflates his own.

116
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I mean, I'm not buying this
Uncle Erasmus guy at all.

117
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I say we do a little digging.

118
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Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga,

119
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the turtle detective in Uncle
Alvaro's popular children's book.

120
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He was always very
slowly solving crimes.

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Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus
did live in Texas in the 1830s,

122
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but not much was written about him.

123
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- Gretchen.
- Manuel.

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Again, I'm so sorry abou...

125
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You'll have to return
these within two weeks.

126
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Unlike my phone calls!

127
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Señor.

128
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We had to dig deeper, and since
history is written by the victors...

129
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Muchas gracias.

130
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I brought my own.

131
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Mexican sources had a bit more to say

132
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about his actual involvement
in the Alamo.

133
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- Okay.
- Oh, really?

134
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You want to give away the
very first Gucci hoodie

135
00:05:46,242 --> 00:05:48,475
- I ever bought our daughter?
- Okay, "first Gucci"

136
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is why our retirement
planner fired us as clients.

137
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Also, Haley and Dylan
are having twins, okay?

138
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- They really need this stuff.
- I know.

139
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I-I-I still can't
believe she's pregnant.

140
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- Although...
- I know you're about to say something catty.

141
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You're practically purring.

142
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Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s?

143
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You know, we have a saying back home...

144
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"The crawdad don't skitter
far from its crick."

145
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Okay, you're clutching a
Dolce and Gabbana onesie...

146
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decide who you are.

147
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And, by the way,
it's not like your family

148
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doesn't have a wayward streak, okay?

149
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Pam's not exactly responsible.

150
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Oh, I'm sorry.
Could an irresponsible woman

151
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win her prison's
"Most Improved Wrestler" award?

152
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Okay, let's just admit

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we have wild women on
both sides of the family.

154
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Oh, God. Maybe it's good
Lily wasn't saddled with those genes.

155
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She sure wasn't. If anything,

156
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I'm worried she acts a
little young for her age.

157
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I mean, isn't 11 a little too old

158
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for these unicorns
and teddy bears and...

159
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My... Playgirl?

160
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Oh! Oh, God.

161
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Where... Where did she get that?

162
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I didn't even know
they still made these.

163
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Although it's heartening print
media isn't completely dead.

164
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Okay, you're getting off track.

165
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Our daughter is looking
at naked men.

166
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I know. We're gonna have
to talk to her about it.

167
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You know, my parents never talked to me
about anything sexual.

168
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They just sent me to the stables
when the horses were breeding,

169
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and wow, did that create some
unreasonable expectations.

170
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No way! Who told her that?

171
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She... Uh-oh.

172
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The dads have their faces on.
See you at the sleepover.

173
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Hey!

174
00:07:12,453 --> 00:07:14,253
So, listen, we need
to talk to you about something.

175
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We, uh... We found a...

176
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- a magazine in your room.
- Whoa!

177
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There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

178
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Oh, God, no, not at all.
You're... You're going through

179
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a very exciting period of... of change

180
00:07:23,398 --> 00:07:25,998
- and... and hormones. And... And...
- And, um, urges.

181
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Got it. Solid parenting.

182
00:07:27,201 --> 00:07:28,134
- See you tomorrow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

183
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- No, no, no.
- Sweetheart. Come on.

184
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I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but...

185
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You shouldn't be ashamed about
wondering or being curious about sex.

186
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You know, the mingling of bodies

187
00:07:36,644 --> 00:07:38,844
can be a beautiful expression of love.

188
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Stop! They have classes
about this in school,

189
00:07:41,349 --> 00:07:42,982
and if you don't want me
looking at magazines like that,

190
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don't leave them on the sofa!

191
00:07:45,286 --> 00:07:46,852
The sofa? How did...

192
00:07:46,921 --> 00:07:48,154
- How did it get on the sofa?
- I don't know.

193
00:07:48,256 --> 00:07:50,022
I don't... Ah, the babysitter.

194
00:07:50,058 --> 00:07:52,324
Or, you know, Haley, or...
or Pam, or Claire.

195
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,493
We were just talking about
how perverted they are.

196
00:07:54,562 --> 00:07:57,063
Wait a minute. This is from 1997.

197
00:07:58,366 --> 00:08:00,800
And David Duchovny's on the cover.

198
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:03,636
Didn't you have a thing
for David Duchovny?

199
00:08:03,704 --> 00:08:05,938
Why... Wha...
I don't even know who that is.

200
00:08:06,757 --> 00:08:09,141
He was on the...
you know, the cheesy sci-fi show,

201
00:08:09,210 --> 00:08:12,044
the, uh... What was it?
"The X-Files" or something?

202
00:08:12,113 --> 00:08:14,613
You know,
kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"?

203
00:08:14,682 --> 00:08:15,881
They had that saying, you know?

204
00:08:15,950 --> 00:08:18,084
Saying was, "The truth is... up there"?

205
00:08:18,152 --> 00:08:19,885
You know damn well it's
"The truth is out there"!

206
00:08:19,954 --> 00:08:21,487
Don't... Don't you crinkle it.

207
00:08:21,556 --> 00:08:23,789
Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag?

208
00:08:23,858 --> 00:08:25,324
Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay?

209
00:08:25,426 --> 00:08:27,093
He was brooding and handsome

210
00:08:27,161 --> 00:08:29,695
and obsessed with an
uptight yet sexy redhead.

211
00:08:29,764 --> 00:08:31,430
Yeah, well, guess what.
You wouldn't have had a chance

212
00:08:31,499 --> 00:08:32,898
with David Duchovny because, look.

213
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,734
One of his turn-offs
is "dishonest people."

214
00:08:36,070 --> 00:08:38,504
And why is it just
lying around the house?

215
00:08:38,573 --> 00:08:41,207
I was bringing the trash bins
into the garage the other day,

216
00:08:41,275 --> 00:08:43,375
and I noticed an old box of my stuff.

217
00:08:43,444 --> 00:08:45,911
I got nostalgic,
and I decided to flip through it.

218
00:08:46,013 --> 00:08:48,013
- Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday?
- Yeah.

219
00:08:48,116 --> 00:08:50,015
The day we opened the bottle of Merlot,

220
00:08:50,118 --> 00:08:53,018
took it back to the bedroom,
and had a rather spectacular... session?

221
00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:54,987
- Uh, was it that night?
- Oh, please,

222
00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:56,856
it was the first time in
years I'd seen your eyes

223
00:08:56,924 --> 00:08:58,357
roll back in your head without irony.

224
00:08:58,426 --> 00:09:00,059
Well, excuse me
if I am attracted to you.

225
00:09:00,128 --> 00:09:02,228
Except it wasn't just me, was it?

226
00:09:02,296 --> 00:09:03,662
There were three of us in that bed.

227
00:09:03,731 --> 00:09:05,431
I sent you a dozen roses the next day.

228
00:09:05,466 --> 00:09:08,234
Apparently,
I should've sent six to David Duchovny.

229
00:09:08,336 --> 00:09:09,668
Oh, come on!

230
00:09:09,770 --> 00:09:13,005
So what? I got a little extra worked
up after looking at a sexy picture.

231
00:09:13,074 --> 00:09:14,406
People do it all the time.

232
00:09:14,442 --> 00:09:17,143
Pepper said it's the only reason
he buys Brawny paper towels.

233
00:09:17,211 --> 00:09:19,378
So, I guess I'm weird for
wanting to purely connect

234
00:09:19,447 --> 00:09:21,981
with you on an emotional level.

235
00:09:22,049 --> 00:09:23,749
Know what? I'm going to the gym.

236
00:09:23,851 --> 00:09:25,551
And good news, David Duchovny.

237
00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:27,486
You're not gonna be alone
on the sofa tonight.

238
00:09:31,626 --> 00:09:33,225
Can you please hand me my iPod?

239
00:09:33,294 --> 00:09:34,527
You've robbed me of my dignity.

240
00:09:34,595 --> 00:09:37,196
You will not also rob
me of my glorious exit.

241
00:09:37,298 --> 00:09:38,564
Thank you!

242
00:09:40,168 --> 00:09:41,333
There you go, buddy.

243
00:09:41,402 --> 00:09:43,302
Now you look like a real hero.

244
00:09:43,404 --> 00:09:45,871
I don't think I'm allowed
to bring a knife to school.

245
00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:47,106
It's not sharp at all.

246
00:09:47,175 --> 00:09:49,175
And neither, apparently, are you.

247
00:09:49,277 --> 00:09:51,877
I told you if we waited a few minutes
he'd give us a delicious segue.

248
00:09:51,946 --> 00:09:56,148
Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett
was a hero at the Alamo...

249
00:09:56,217 --> 00:09:57,716
but for the other side.

250
00:09:57,785 --> 00:09:59,485
Yeah, he hid in a closet
during the fighting,

251
00:09:59,587 --> 00:10:02,421
then stole a dress and escaped
by pretending to be a prostitute.

252
00:10:02,490 --> 00:10:03,856
What?! I don't believe you.

253
00:10:03,925 --> 00:10:06,091
These are official church documents.

254
00:10:06,194 --> 00:10:09,628
In this part,
it says that he traded military secrets

255
00:10:09,697 --> 00:10:11,363
for rum and a new corset.

256
00:10:11,432 --> 00:10:13,899
"To this day,
in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus'

257
00:10:13,968 --> 00:10:16,168
means 'to cry facedown on the ground.'"

258
00:10:16,237 --> 00:10:18,671
There's a picture of him cringing.

259
00:10:20,041 --> 00:10:23,075
I can't believe I named
my lizard Erasmus.

260
00:10:23,177 --> 00:10:24,643
It was wartime, Joe!

261
00:10:24,712 --> 00:10:27,680
We can't judge a man who has
lived through that kind of hell.

262
00:10:27,782 --> 00:10:31,083
He spent his post-war years spreading
the gospel of vegetarianism.

263
00:10:31,185 --> 00:10:32,751
I have no uncle.

264
00:10:35,590 --> 00:10:37,623
- Oh.
- This homeopathic remedy

265
00:10:37,692 --> 00:10:40,059
is really gonna help Haley
with morning sickness.

266
00:10:40,127 --> 00:10:41,594
- Uh-huh.
- I got the recipe from a doula

267
00:10:41,696 --> 00:10:43,095
I met in an Uber pool.

268
00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:44,263
Well, you were right about one thing.

269
00:10:44,332 --> 00:10:47,866
It does... It does smell like a
buffalo that was struck by lightning.

270
00:10:47,935 --> 00:10:49,635
When... When are you heading
back up to Oregon?

271
00:10:49,737 --> 00:10:51,604
Oh, I'm done with that place.

272
00:10:51,706 --> 00:10:52,905
Oldest story in the world.

273
00:10:52,974 --> 00:10:55,407
You know, I thought I found a nice guy,
then one morning,

274
00:10:55,476 --> 00:10:57,243
he up and tells me he's
found six new women.

275
00:10:57,345 --> 00:10:59,778
- Mm.
- I'm done with Bhagwans.

276
00:10:59,847 --> 00:11:01,947
Coming back as Dylan's mother?

277
00:11:02,049 --> 00:11:03,782
Not funny, Mom.

278
00:11:03,851 --> 00:11:05,484
Not funny at all!

279
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,153
Buddy, are you sure you're okay?

280
00:11:08,222 --> 00:11:09,455
Trust me, I'm a nurse.

281
00:11:09,523 --> 00:11:11,857
By now there'd be clear
signs if I had a concursion.

282
00:11:16,063 --> 00:11:17,630
Gosh, your mom looks familiar.

283
00:11:17,732 --> 00:11:19,331
She used to do a little modeling.

284
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,799
Recently, she had her likeness stolen

285
00:11:20,868 --> 00:11:23,035
for one of those
"Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.

286
00:11:27,006 --> 00:11:31,844
Dylan's Mom was the hot chick
in the "Sex Kitty" music video.

287
00:11:32,469 --> 00:11:34,313
♪ Sex kitty ♪

288
00:11:34,415 --> 00:11:37,049
♪ Sexy kitty ♪

289
00:11:37,118 --> 00:11:39,051
♪ Sex kitty ♪

290
00:11:39,153 --> 00:11:40,060
♪ Se... ♪

291
00:11:40,821 --> 00:11:42,087
The songwriting isn't perfect,

292
00:11:42,156 --> 00:11:45,724
but this video changed everything.

293
00:11:45,793 --> 00:11:47,493
♪ Ow! ♪

294
00:11:47,595 --> 00:11:49,695
♪ Sex kitty, se... ♪

295
00:11:49,764 --> 00:11:52,364
Those bikes don't live there, do they?

296
00:11:52,466 --> 00:11:54,633
'Cause that is an
ideal north-facing spot

297
00:11:54,702 --> 00:11:56,201
for a birthing tub.

298
00:11:56,270 --> 00:11:59,305
I wasn't aware that Haley
was considering a home birth.

299
00:11:59,373 --> 00:12:01,573
Oh, I wasn't,
but then Farrah really opened up my eyes

300
00:12:01,676 --> 00:12:03,776
to the birth-industrial complex.

301
00:12:03,878 --> 00:12:07,179
You know, this room is kind of
vibrating with ancient wounds.

302
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:09,381
- Let's sage the area.
- Okay.

303
00:12:09,483 --> 00:12:11,550
Dylan, honey,
do you think you could grab that fan

304
00:12:11,619 --> 00:12:13,452
and maybe de-funk the kitchen a little?

305
00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:15,521
Oh, my God.

306
00:12:15,623 --> 00:12:18,624
Is, uh... Is Dylan's mom
at all familiar to you?

307
00:12:18,693 --> 00:12:21,293
Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too.

308
00:12:21,362 --> 00:12:24,063
I can't believe that is gonna be
in our life on a regular basis.

309
00:12:24,131 --> 00:12:26,065
I know.
She's been driving me kind of crazy

310
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:27,566
since I was a kid.

311
00:12:27,635 --> 00:12:28,967
Do you know how many
nights I went to bed

312
00:12:29,036 --> 00:12:31,270
screaming her name into a pillow?

313
00:12:31,339 --> 00:12:32,338
Go on.

314
00:12:33,574 --> 00:12:36,108
- She broke it!
- No, you broke it!

315
00:12:36,177 --> 00:12:38,510
Girls, it's fine! Also, who are you?

316
00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:40,346
Oh, I get my stepdaughters once a month

317
00:12:40,381 --> 00:12:42,848
when my ex-wife's on rotation
with the National Guard.

318
00:12:42,950 --> 00:12:45,184
- Mm.
- Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay?

319
00:12:45,252 --> 00:12:46,752
You know he has a nervous bowel.

320
00:12:46,854 --> 00:12:49,021
- Hi, girls!
- Gammy!

321
00:12:49,123 --> 00:12:50,656
Gammy?

322
00:12:50,725 --> 00:12:51,824
The girls call you Gammy?

323
00:12:51,892 --> 00:12:54,893
That's funny, because I was hoping
when Haley's twins came along,

324
00:12:54,962 --> 00:12:56,628
they might call me that.

325
00:12:56,697 --> 00:12:58,430
Oh, well, that might be confusing.

326
00:12:58,499 --> 00:13:00,099
- But maybe you could be something else.
- Hm.

327
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:02,167
- How about "Gaga"?
- Maybe we don't have to lock

328
00:13:02,269 --> 00:13:03,402
anything down right now.

329
00:13:03,504 --> 00:13:05,637
Oh, my God. I love it!

330
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:06,939
Hey, Gaga!

331
00:13:07,041 --> 00:13:09,808
- Squeaker's loose! Get him!
- Aah!

332
00:13:12,046 --> 00:13:13,245
I'll get him!

333
00:13:17,585 --> 00:13:19,017
- Do you see it, Phil?
- What?!

334
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,486
No, I didn't see anything, so...

335
00:13:20,588 --> 00:13:21,854
- Aah!
- Oh!

336
00:13:21,956 --> 00:13:24,156
- Ooh!
- I'm so sorry, D!

337
00:13:24,258 --> 00:13:25,357
If you weren't my hero,

338
00:13:25,459 --> 00:13:27,092
I'd wonder if you're
doing this on purpose!

339
00:13:27,194 --> 00:13:28,527
Oh, my God, Dad!

340
00:13:28,629 --> 00:13:30,162
What's wrong with him, Mom?

341
00:13:30,264 --> 00:13:32,498
- Mom?
- Claire?

342
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,933
Gaga?

343
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:40,268
Hey, handsome, this seat taken?

344
00:13:40,370 --> 00:13:41,436
Hey, what are you doing here?

345
00:13:41,505 --> 00:13:43,104
Well, I brought you a smoothie,
although,

346
00:13:43,206 --> 00:13:47,509
you don't need it because you're
already 100% fruity deliciousness.

347
00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:48,610
Maybe I just get right to it.

348
00:13:48,678 --> 00:13:50,545
Look, Mitchell,
I appreciate what you're doing...

349
00:13:50,614 --> 00:13:51,744
No, no, listen.

350
00:13:51,982 --> 00:13:53,081
Lily's at a sleepover tonight,

351
00:13:53,183 --> 00:13:57,418
so I got us a suite
at Whispers Resort and Spa.

352
00:13:57,487 --> 00:13:59,020
Isn't that the place,
uh, Jen Aniston goes to

353
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,488
- after her divorces?
- Yes.

354
00:14:00,557 --> 00:14:03,024
And I'm sorry about the
silly Playgirl thing.

355
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,260
I-I want you to feel
what I feel every day.

356
00:14:05,328 --> 00:14:07,562
That you only have eyes for me.

357
00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:11,966
Call me old-fashioned.
I just don't see other men.

358
00:14:13,403 --> 00:14:15,303
Sweetie, your...
your heart rate's setting off an alarm.

359
00:14:15,405 --> 00:14:16,437
Why... Why don't you get off that bike?

360
00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:17,872
Yeah, that's a good idea. You know what?

361
00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:19,440
Why don't we go to the spa,
see if we can get an early treatment?

362
00:14:19,543 --> 00:14:20,542
I love that.

363
00:14:20,644 --> 00:14:22,844
Oh, smoothie.

364
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:24,546
Okay.

365
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,181
Hey, you're... you're really sweating.

366
00:14:26,249 --> 00:14:27,549
You should get a towel.

367
00:14:30,587 --> 00:14:31,820
Okay, you're acting weird.

368
00:14:31,888 --> 00:14:34,689
- What's going on?
- Okay, look, I just...

369
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,258
Um, I'm excited about that hotel.

370
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,127
I mean, there's a lot
of Hollywood history there.

371
00:14:39,196 --> 00:14:41,329
You know, they say the Little Rascals

372
00:14:41,398 --> 00:14:42,797
used to have orgies there.

373
00:14:42,899 --> 00:14:43,821
Ah.

374
00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:45,600
Hey, Cam!

375
00:14:45,669 --> 00:14:48,603
I almost forgot the homemade
protein bars you brought for us!

376
00:14:48,672 --> 00:14:49,504
Well, I'll see you next time!

377
00:14:49,606 --> 00:14:51,339
Yeah! Who is that?

378
00:14:51,408 --> 00:14:54,375
Wow, that's an interesting view.

379
00:14:54,444 --> 00:14:55,577
What? It's a parking lot.

380
00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:56,945
- There's a Dumpster.
- Oh, please. Come on.

381
00:14:57,013 --> 00:14:58,613
You picked this bike so you
could have a front-row seat

382
00:14:58,715 --> 00:14:59,681
to this little peep sho...

383
00:14:59,783 --> 00:15:02,083
Oh! Oh, my God.

384
00:15:02,185 --> 00:15:05,253
That night of our "spectacular session,"
you had just come from the gym.

385
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:08,289
Well, I-I wonder what got
your engine so revved up, huh?

386
00:15:08,358 --> 00:15:10,225
The truth is out there!

387
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,359
Okay, you know what?

388
00:15:11,461 --> 00:15:12,393
I'm weak, okay?

389
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:15,630
I can't believe you shamed
me for looking at a magazine

390
00:15:15,732 --> 00:15:17,498
when you've been baking protein bars

391
00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:19,767
- for Thunder from Down Under!
- Maybe that's why.

392
00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,736
It's because I-I felt guilty about this.

393
00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:23,304
Well, don't, okay?

394
00:15:23,406 --> 00:15:27,542
We are allowed to look at other men
without feeling guilty about it.

395
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,981
And... And if it inspires you,
then go for it,

396
00:15:33,083 --> 00:15:34,482
because at the end of the day,

397
00:15:34,584 --> 00:15:36,551
I'm the one who gets
to reap the rewards.

398
00:15:37,954 --> 00:15:39,754
That's true. Okay. Look, I'm sorry.

399
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:40,855
Let's just get out of here.

400
00:15:40,957 --> 00:15:42,991
Oh, now? Okay.

401
00:15:43,059 --> 00:15:44,559
Oh.

402
00:15:44,628 --> 00:15:45,526
Maybe I should join this gym.

403
00:15:45,629 --> 00:15:46,861
No, stick to your vintage nudie mags.

404
00:15:46,930 --> 00:15:48,596
This is mine.

405
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:49,964
- What's his name?
- Chuck.

406
00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:51,032
Oh, Chuck.

407
00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:53,868
Oh, Joe, so adorable,

408
00:15:53,937 --> 00:15:56,237
you look like a little Uncle Alvaro!

409
00:15:56,306 --> 00:15:58,339
One last touch... the pocket watch,

410
00:15:58,408 --> 00:15:59,874
permanently broken at 3:30

411
00:15:59,943 --> 00:16:02,010
after it stopped a bullet
shot by a very drunk

412
00:16:02,112 --> 00:16:04,078
and jealous Florence Nightingale.

413
00:16:04,147 --> 00:16:05,546
Maybe it was sour grapes,

414
00:16:05,615 --> 00:16:08,850
but this guy was starting
to sound like baloney.

415
00:16:08,919 --> 00:16:11,419
I was sure that if I
left no stone unturned,

416
00:16:11,521 --> 00:16:13,388
eventually, one day,

417
00:16:13,456 --> 00:16:16,591
I'd find some dirt on
Great Uncle Alvaro.

418
00:16:16,660 --> 00:16:17,926
I knew it!

419
00:16:18,028 --> 00:16:22,397
Simón Francisco Alvaro
would go from town to town,

420
00:16:22,499 --> 00:16:24,299
seducing wealthy widows

421
00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:27,635
with made-up stories of
his bravery in battle.

422
00:16:27,704 --> 00:16:30,972
After frittering away their
fortunes on drink and dice,

423
00:16:31,041 --> 00:16:34,542
he would move on,
leaving his victims with nothing

424
00:16:34,611 --> 00:16:36,878
but a single red rose...

425
00:16:36,947 --> 00:16:38,146
and syphilis.

426
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,481
Who's up for a little history lesson?

427
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,350
- It seems...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

428
00:16:42,452 --> 00:16:44,085
Do it again.

429
00:16:44,154 --> 00:16:46,654
The yoke of Spanish oppression

430
00:16:46,723 --> 00:16:50,091
will chafe Colombian
shoulders no longer!

431
00:16:50,193 --> 00:16:53,127
My saber thirsts for European blood!

432
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:55,396
- So cute!
- Bravo!

433
00:16:55,465 --> 00:16:58,766
He looked it up and
memorized it himself.

434
00:16:58,835 --> 00:17:00,635
Hey, Dad. You know how kids tease me

435
00:17:00,704 --> 00:17:02,570
'cause I'm the shortest
kid in the class?

436
00:17:02,672 --> 00:17:04,172
Oh, don't listen to what they say!

437
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,742
Right! Uncle Alvaro
was only five feet tall

438
00:17:07,811 --> 00:17:09,744
and he led a whole army!

439
00:17:09,846 --> 00:17:12,113
I'm gonna be brave like him.

440
00:17:13,383 --> 00:17:16,517
Viva Uncle Alvaro.

441
00:17:16,586 --> 00:17:19,687
I enjoyed a lot of years
taking pride in my great uncle.

442
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:21,923
I didn't want to rob Joe of that.

443
00:17:21,992 --> 00:17:23,791
It wasn't easy biting my tongue,

444
00:17:23,893 --> 00:17:26,661
but I took a page from
another heroic relative...

445
00:17:26,763 --> 00:17:28,796
Lulach McPritchett...

446
00:17:28,865 --> 00:17:32,066
proud Scottish warrior,
captured by the English,

447
00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:35,570
tortured for months using
every method imaginable,

448
00:17:35,672 --> 00:17:39,173
and never once giving
up a single secret.

449
00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,708
Don't look him up.

450
00:17:47,450 --> 00:17:50,785
Signora, why so sad?

451
00:17:50,854 --> 00:17:53,788
Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah?

452
00:17:53,890 --> 00:17:55,289
How did you find me?

453
00:17:55,392 --> 00:17:57,325
Antonio called and said

454
00:17:57,427 --> 00:17:59,160
you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca...

455
00:17:59,229 --> 00:18:00,695
...and just watched it burn.

456
00:18:00,797 --> 00:18:03,131
Mm-hmm.

457
00:18:03,199 --> 00:18:04,699
It's all just going too fast.

458
00:18:05,439 --> 00:18:06,267
Five months ago,

459
00:18:06,369 --> 00:18:07,702
Haley got back together with Dylan.

460
00:18:07,771 --> 00:18:10,505
Then my mom dies. Then Haley's pregnant.

461
00:18:10,573 --> 00:18:11,839
Then it's twins.

462
00:18:11,941 --> 00:18:14,442
Then, "Come move in with us
this summer" turns into

463
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:17,145
"Ding-dong, we're here
with an early preview of twins

464
00:18:17,247 --> 00:18:18,746
and an incontinent chinchilla,

465
00:18:18,815 --> 00:18:21,315
and, in the most terrifying
return since Freddy Krueger

466
00:18:21,384 --> 00:18:23,351
sashayed his way back onto Elm Street,

467
00:18:23,453 --> 00:18:27,688
my mother reincarnated
into the body of Farrah."

468
00:18:28,443 --> 00:18:29,791
Oh...

469
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:32,260
How...
How are you handling this all so well?

470
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:33,628
Who says I am?

471
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:37,465
I had to get out of there,
or I was gonna make Haley a single mom.

472
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:39,167
I hit Dylan again, Claire.

473
00:18:39,235 --> 00:18:41,702
- But not on purpose.
- Are we sure?

474
00:18:41,805 --> 00:18:44,305
You mean, like,
you might have some buried anger

475
00:18:44,407 --> 00:18:47,141
towards him stealing
away your baby girl?

476
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,610
Oh, I so want it to be on purpose.

477
00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:51,546
Gets lonely out here on crazy island.

478
00:18:53,283 --> 00:18:55,616
Oh, well,

479
00:18:55,685 --> 00:18:58,052
we still have Italy.

480
00:18:58,154 --> 00:18:59,420
Do we?

481
00:18:59,489 --> 00:19:01,789
Listen, I've been doing
some research on twins,

482
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:04,459
and it seems that,
like our daughter, they...

483
00:19:04,527 --> 00:19:05,493
they tend to come early.

484
00:19:06,043 --> 00:19:07,895
Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance,

485
00:19:07,964 --> 00:19:11,632
I can't risk having the
only maternal figure present

486
00:19:11,701 --> 00:19:14,402
be that tub-birthing Wiccan.

487
00:19:14,504 --> 00:19:16,571
I got to be there for Haley.

488
00:19:16,673 --> 00:19:18,106
It's overwhelming for sure,

489
00:19:18,208 --> 00:19:21,609
but haven't a ton of our best memories

490
00:19:21,711 --> 00:19:24,479
come from the anarchy of our house?

491
00:19:24,547 --> 00:19:27,548
Like when Luke got his
head stuck in the banister?

492
00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:28,876
Which time?

493
00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:31,719
Or when...
when Alex's science fair project

494
00:19:31,821 --> 00:19:35,240
blacked out the whole neighborhood
during the Super Bowl?

495
00:19:35,658 --> 00:19:36,657
Or when, uh,

496
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:38,092
Haley snuck in Luke's window

497
00:19:38,161 --> 00:19:40,128
- the same week we bought him a slingshot?
- Oh, God.

498
00:19:40,230 --> 00:19:41,896
That was... Mm.

499
00:19:41,998 --> 00:19:44,065
So, it's a-a madhouse,

500
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:46,534
but on the other hand,

501
00:19:46,636 --> 00:19:48,469
we're gonna have a couple
babies in the house,

502
00:19:48,571 --> 00:19:50,705
and they'll be Haley and Dylan's.

503
00:19:50,807 --> 00:19:53,441
- Mm-hmm.
- So they'll be doing funny stuff.

504
00:19:56,513 --> 00:19:58,479
So...

505
00:19:58,581 --> 00:20:00,948
looks like we are going on a trip?

506
00:20:01,835 --> 00:20:04,441
_

507
00:20:04,442 --> 00:20:09,396
_

508
00:20:09,397 --> 00:20:13,980
_

509
00:20:19,276 --> 00:20:21,075
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.

510
00:20:21,177 --> 00:20:23,744
Look, I really am sorry
about the way things ended...

511
00:20:23,846 --> 00:20:24,912
That chapter is closed.

512
00:20:25,014 --> 00:20:26,814
We have a strictly
business relationship now.

513
00:20:28,451 --> 00:20:30,551
Did you enjoy this book,
or did you find your eyes

514
00:20:30,653 --> 00:20:32,987
drifting toward a shorter Jewish one?

515
00:20:33,089 --> 00:20:35,356
Okay, Shoshana and I are over.

516
00:20:35,458 --> 00:20:36,957
It was beyond hurtful
that you found a woman

517
00:20:37,059 --> 00:20:39,393
whose name has two "shhh" sounds in it.

518
00:20:39,495 --> 00:20:40,860
Clearly, you're still upset

519
00:20:40,922 --> 00:20:43,790
and there's no hope
for reconciliation, so...

520
00:20:43,892 --> 00:20:45,358
I'll just say goodbye
and hope you'll allow me

521
00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:47,960
to play myself off with our song.

522
00:20:49,731 --> 00:20:52,665
♪<i> Oh, yeah</i> ♪

523
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:54,416
♪<i> Ow!</i> ♪

524
00:21:02,202 --> 00:21:04,250
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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